The Proposal

Ok people. I know you all want to know so here it is!

How the love of my life asked me to Marry him.

We drove five hours to get out of the heat and desert to spend three days in Greer AZ in the White Mountains. The drive up was wonderful, we watched the temperature gauge drop the further we went and went from cactus, to low bushes to pine trees. One of the many things I love about Arizona is you have your pick of scenery and climate.
We arrived at our cabin and the spa was broken. We had paid extra for a spa! So we were moved, and what a blessing that was!
Our new cabin overlooked a huge meadow with trees all around and in the background a huge hill. And then horses came down to feed! It was amazing!
That night we get settled in have dinner and watch as stars start popping out.
The next thing I know I've just changed the baby when James comes in and asks me to give him Aidan, I tease about him planning to put the baby in the spa and we go outside.
A full moon is rising over the trees. I am almost speechless when I turn around to mention how beautiful the site is when I see James holding our baby who is gumming a small black box.
Now those of you who know me, know that sometimes it takes me a moment to realize exactly what is going on. And this was of course one of those moments. So I stare like an idiot at the box and then squeal like a 12 year old girl over the Backstreet Boys.
James hands me the box and while still holding our baby he gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him. I immediately say "Or course I will" and we hug and cry! He then opens the box laughing at me that I haven't opened it and puts the ring on my finger. (The photo is a reenactment)
It was his Grandmother's ring that his Mom gave to him to give to me.
The moment couldn't have been more perfect! I had the men of my life asking me to marry them!
And I feel so lucky! I've known for a long time that I was going to marry him and I've had no doubts that we are going to be together for the rest of our lives and longer. But it was nice to have it all "official official"
And it makes the folks happy.

Stealing a moment

Even though I really should go to bed because the baby is sleeping and I have to be at work by 4 am. I know. I'll try to be quick!
Life has been super busy and crazy. I got a job at Target and started on Mother's day. I was so thankful to get a job in this economy that I cannot even begin to tell you. I started out saying I would work any time they wanted because I wanted to get hired and I felt that if I worked really hard they would love me and I could then go on a more consistent schedule.
After three months of being there I have asked to be the Captain of the Back to School area. I will be responsible for preparing for the Ad, knowing where everything is and keeping the area stocked and organized!
I am blown away!
I also seem to have every team lead wanting me on their team. I have the Cashier Lead wanting me to cashier, the Flow and Plano teams wanting me and all across the board everyone seems happy with me. And I am so glad about that!
I'm so happy to be employed and to feel that I am doing a good job. It feels good.
I am also SO thankful to my mom and my in laws and James. Together we have been able to avoid daycare and my sweet beautiful baby has been surrounded by people who love him.
I fall more in love everyday with this little man.
And now he's awake!
Gotta go!

Being a Mommy Rocks!

My baby is starting to make more and more noises and smiling! Oh my God it is the most wonderful thing ever! He's so beautiful I just cry when I look at him sometimes! It's amazing.
I've started to do some things that I hope are really enriching to him. We go for a walk first thing in the morning. I love having him hear the birds and smell the air while it's still cool. Then we come home and I play around on the piano, the guitar and I need to start playing my violin for him too. It's wonderful that he gets so excited when I play music for him. I love it!
Then today as I was walking him around today I was reading Emily Dickinson's poetry to him and he fell asleep. I'm the luckiest Mommy ever!
Today I also stopped by Target to introduce myself after I filled out an application online. Luckily I got to speak to the manager of the department I was interested in working for. I will hopefully get an interview next week.
My first Mother's Day this year. I am so lucky! And my parents were right. They said when I had a baby I would understand how they felt about me.
I started his picture book and I am just amazed at how beautiful he looks and how much has happened in two months. It's going by so fast! And I'm trying to cherish every moment.

Mommy life

Boy is it hard! Worth every second but hard!
I've had days where my boy has cried and cried and I have cried with him cause I didn't know what he wanted. I was trying everything and nothing was comforting him. And it killed me cause I just want to take good care of him in everything.
James has been so wonderful. He comes home from work, tired and needing to rest and all he wants is a kiss and to hold his baby. He also keeps his eye out for anything that he thinks will be beneficial to him when he's older. He was listening to KBAQ and Tubby the Tuba came on and he called me asking me to write it down so we could get it. He's so excited to teach his son so many things.
And I'm so thankful to have him. My baby is going to learn so many wonderful things from James. He'll learn about history and baseball, he'll learn to research everything and not just take things at face value.
Also, things will be looking up. James had bought a DVD for us called Dunstan Baby Language and we just watched it today. It was amazing! The lady who put this together, Priscilla Dunstan, was so uncomfortable in the DVD but she gives you examples of the different cries babies make and what those mean. Oh it was so helpful! I love it!!
It's been a little lonely. I don't have a car right now and won't until I get my tax refund. So I've been kinda stuck here. But I've at least had the energy at times to clean and do laundry and that makes me happy. I like having the energy to do things again.
I don't look forward to looking for a job. I hate the idea of leaving my baby. He's so beautiful and wonderful and I don't want to miss a moment! It was terrible leaving him just for a few hours. We'll see what happens though. Everything will work out for the best. I know that.
I have James and our baby. Everything will work out the way it needs to so that the best thing will happen for my son.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beauitiful Boy!

My God! I cannot believe it. It's been over a week since I went through the most increadable experience ever! Things didn't exactly go the way I had expected but I was so happy with the outcome. At 7 am on Thursday March 4 I woke up in Labor. I wasn't sure I was in labor, but I was keeping track of the contractions and they were at the 5-1-1 timing. (Contractions lasting 1 min 5 minutes apart for 1 hour) but I still wasn't convinced. I spoke to my mom I spoke to my sister in law and was still uncertain. I mean I've never done this before I don't know!
So anyway things continue through the day. James goes to work and I get up and shave my legs! I know. What woman in labor thinks about shaving her legs, but damn it! I was going to feel confidant and good during labor, and for me, shaving my legs helps me with that.
So! I get a bag packed, have a bag for baby and I make sure I'm drinking tons of water, I'm resting as much as possible but sleep is not happening. I tried and after 30 minutes I woke up due to contractions. There was no rest. Ok!
James comes home from work I tell him that I'm in labor but that I don't feel overwhelmed or anything and that I want him to go to rehearsal as opening night for Salem:1692 is March 5th. He agrees to go but makes me promise to call him if things change. I promise I will!
He goes to rehearsal comes home and is able to get about an hours sleep.
At 2:30 am I tell him I need to go to the hospital. So we get our stuff and take off. We get into triage and sure enough I am in labor and 5 cm dilated. YAY! I came in right when I wanted to! we get to our room and first thing I am in the tub! After calling my mother to tell her I am at the hospital!
I relax in the tub as long as possible and then no position is comfortable.
We'll slip ahead as the next several hours are filled with Danette doing everything I can to breathe and relax with my mom and James doing everything they can to help me.
Basically I was in labor over 30 hours. 30 hours of no sleep and no rest or pause in the contractions. I finally realized that I would not be able to be relaxed and enjoy the birth of my son without an epidural. It was a tough choice, but I am glad that I had the help. As soon as the medication kicked in I was able to sleep. And it wasn't the epidural that took away all sensation. I could move my legs and still feel when I had a contraction and still feel my baby. All it did was remove the intense pain I felt.
I'm proud of how I did though. I knew I wanted to have a natural birth, but I also knew that I didn't know how I would react to labor. And I knew that I had options to help me.
When it came time for him to come out, I really tried not to so much push, but really breathe and help him move down and out. And after 40 minutes, my son was born at 1:06 pm on March 5. He was 8 lbs 8 oz and 20 in. long. All in all perfect. I was smiling as he came out. I was able to feel him coming, they set up a mirror for me and I saw the top of his head as he crowned.
The experience was so amazing!
My little boy is such a sweet, wonderful baby and I am awestruck every moment I look at him. Every facial expression is priceless and every sound, even his cries, are music.

Anniversary

One year. Amazing. It's gone by so fast and so slow at the same time.
A year ago yesterday I was sitting at my computer when a chat came up. It was Jim Porter. We'd tried going out on a date a month before and it had been a disaster! The reason being that I didn't know if it was a date or not and I did what I did best back then and hid rather than be open and ask.
We start chatting.
And chatting.
And chatting.
14 hours later I am now aware that he likes me! That he wants to take me out on a date! And we are going to Guys and Dolls at Arizona Broadway Theater the next day.
It's about 2 in the morning. What the hell will I wear?
One of my roommates comes home and I'm able to ask her in a panic what to wear. We dig through my closet and find a dress, then we pick a jean jacket and shoes.
The next morning, I am a nervous wreck! I shower, do my hair, get dressed and drive to my date. One of the reasons I'm so nervous is because James had told me that he was going to kiss me. Needless to say I have brushed, flossed, and mouth washed more than once. I am ready! And still nervous.
I've had rotten luck with men recently. And I have was getting really tired. I was starting to accept that being alone wasn't such a bad thing. And I was actually happier than I had been. And now, I was going to put it all on the line again.
In chatting with James there was a kind of safety in the words. I had no fear. I could say everything I wanted to and not be worried that I would sound stupid or be taken the wrong way. So I dumped! I dumped all my baggage on this poor man and just when he thought that that was all, I dumped more!
And he did the same.
And in looking at all he shared with me I thought. "I can live with that. That's not too bad."
And it was just amazing. Because he felt the same way about my baggage.
So much was going through my mind as I pulled into the parking lot. And I got out of my car looked around and saw him.
We walked across the parking lot to each other and hugged. He smelled good, he looked amazing and I was trying to keep myself centered.
We went inside, were seated at our table and had a few minutes of awkward minutes spent just smiling at each. We'd said so much the day before, we weren't sure where to start. Eventually we started talking and it was sweet and easy!
Then the defining moment.
James took my hand. I froze in wonder.
I'd been married to a man who never held my hand. And now this man was holding mine and smiling.
It was then. I knew I was in trouble. I was going to fall head over heels in love with this man. And it was either going to be wonderful, or hurt like hell!
I think we all know how things turned out.
One year later and I fall more in love with him everyday. He is loving, intelligent, kind, determined and everything and more that I have dreamed of.
And we're going to have a baby!
I am the luckiest woman in the world! And I'm so thankful to have him. I can't wait till we're holding our baby boy! Then that will be the most amazing day of my life! Right now, March 1, 2009 is still first.

This may shock you.

I don't normally get political.
The way I see it, your beliefs are your own. You have every right to share your ideas and opinions but don't try and convince me that your way is the only way. I will be respectful and honor the right that you have to your opinions. I remember the election between George W. Bush and John Kerry. I was at school in California at the time and I had everyone come up to me and ask who I voted for. I said as politely as I could "That is none of your business." Many immediately railed at me, that I had voted for Bush and how could I do such a thing. I was again polite "If I did vote for Bush or Kerry, it is my right. I voted today for the man that I felt would be the lesser of two evils. I don't care for either of them but I have only two choices and I made a choice that I can live with. I'm glad you did too." I then walked away.
Again this past election between Obama and McCain I made the choice I felt was the lesser of two evils. I feel that every politician is not serving the American People. They are out for themselves and are only interested in what they can do for them.
What I disagree with the most is the way that everyone rallied behind Bush after he won his second term and many people were upset. The media came out and said "Oh come on now. He's the President. Let's be supportive and just accept this." And America did.
But now. All I hear on the news is how Obama is destroying America and down with him and his ideas and policy's!
Could you listen to yourself? Let's grow up Fox News. Why don't you show an objective view point? If all you listen to is Glenn Beck and Bill O'Rielly of course your going to be scared! We're all going to die because Obama wants everyone to have Health Care and if you don't want Health Care too bad, cause he wants to kill you!
I was a Ron Paul supporter. I still am. I love that SOMEONE in politics today actually remembers what this country was based on. And I love that he wants us to go back to that. I may not agree with everything but someone who is objective and does not adhere to Conservative or Liberal is my kind of person!
Fox News mocked that he won a Straw Pull. Meanwhile you know that if McCain, or Palin had won the Straw Pull Fox News would have said "There is the Presidential Candidate for the next election!"
This is why I watch the Daily Show with Jon Stewart! He's doing his research on both sides of every issue and finding the humor in it instead of fear and propaganda. He mocks and encourages both sides as well! Yes he has his opinions but he does try to show the issue and what the parties are doing in regards to every issue.
Which is nothing. They are too busy fighting each other to actually do anything for the voters that put them in the positions they are in today.
I guess it's the fact I'm about to be a mother. I'm about to have a child and I have no job, no education, and am in debt up to my eyeballs because I was stupid in my divorce.
I've been working very hard since I was 16 years old. I have paid my taxes and I vote.
My government is not doing anything to help me. My government does not work for me. Because I am not a middle aged white man who was born into money. I am a "single" white woman about to have a child. Conservatives would have my head because I am not married as they believe that I should be. Liberals would have my head because I plan on getting married! (These are absolute extremes in case you needed clarification)
Where is the government that is suppose to help those that need some help? I could use a fresh start! I could use having the slate wiped clean for me. I'm 26 years old and if I'm lucky by the time I'm 40 I'll have paid off my debt. I was fired because I was pregnant. But I cannot prove that because the state that I live in is a Right To Work State. Which means if my employer does not like my hair color I can be fired.
I'm not even sure where I've ended up in this rant. I guess it's just a woman about to become a mother wondering what kind of world I am bringing this child into. And how I can protect him from so many liars and horrible people who will try and convince him to think a certain way out of fear.
And the saddest thing is that we all still listen. We will encourage people to continue spouting their Opinions without caring if what they say has any truth in it.

Another week.

Well, had another doctor's appointment today! And I am scheduled for one next week, we'll see if I make it. Probably. But we'll see.
Aidan is still moving around a lot, he is still very active and has a good strong heartbeat. It was awesome! I love hearing his heartbeat. It thrills me. I also have gained another 2 pounds. God I feel massive! I know it's for baby, but being this heavy, so quickly is causing me a lot of pain. My legs, ankles and knees are killing me! I can't get comfortable standing at all. Any amount of time on my feet hurts so bad! I was cutting some fabric today and I was exhausted after. I had to lay down! So hard. I miss being active and really doing stuff! I know I'm doing stuff like making a baby and all, but you know what I mean.
James has just be so wonderful during this whole thing. He has calmed me down when I'm frantic, he has been my biggest source of comfort and I am so blessed to have him as my love, my partner and my friend. I know that we don't have a piece of paper, but I know he's my husband. I have no doubt that he and I will always be together.
I am just getting so anxious! I mean, I'm going to see my baby any day and knowing that I'm just so nervous and excited! I want him to come when he's ready, but then I want to see him now! You know? But patience. He'll come out when he's ready. I just really don't want to be induced. I hope he comes in plenty of time.
So that is where we are now. I am waiting for Aidan to come out and James is waiting for me to say "It's time."

Good times!

So! On Saturday my mother in law and I (yes I know that legally she isn't but whatever!) went to my mom's house, where my mom, my sister and two of my sister in laws had decorated and cooked and put together a party for Aidan.It was awesome! So many family and friends came and brought diapers and other things that we're going to need and I just had so much fun! I also had a couple of friends show up that I have not seen in a few YEARS! Which was also awesome! Everything was so fun and I just had such a good time!
My Aunt Debbie brought a little rocking horse with Aidan's name on it and I almost teared up. I grew up spending a lot of time at my Uncle Carl and Aunt Faie's house because my cousin Becky was close to my age and we both loved horses. When my sister was born, my Uncle built a rocking horse and my Aunt painted it. And they started doing this for a lot of the family members. And these are beautiful rocking horses.
Well, my Uncle passed away several years ago, so these rocking horses cannot be made anymore. So, just getting one made me really happy!
I'm getting to the point that Aidan could come at any time. He's in the right position, and I'm feeling like it could happen at any time. I can't wait!

Craziness!

I am going to have a baby.

No, this fact did not just spring upon me, I've known that I'm going to have a baby for almost 9 months now, but seriously! I'm actually going to have a baby! It could just be me, but being pregnant and going through all of that does not really make one prepare for the time when it's weeks away.

Because suddenly you're faced with everything you need to get done! Only you can't do it all yourself because you can barely move!

Then you have wonderful friends and family who are so supportive and willing to help in any way possible.

Several of my theater friends threw a co-ed baby shower for James and I. It was wonderful being surrounded by friends who are so excited that a baby is coming! It makes me feel good because I've already done two shows while being pregnant and I'm the costume designer for another one! Already this boy is surrounded by theater! Poor kid. There's no escape.

And my family is throwing me a traditional one that I cannot wait for! It'll be people I've known my whole life who have seen me grow up and are now watching me become a mother! Which I get the feeling has been a lot of fun for my mom! I wish I lived closer and it wasn't such a pain to drive right now, cause I'd be hanging out even more!

But! I'm to the point where I have to see the doctor every week. James and I need to start organizing our room so that we have space for baby and all the baby things we are going to have and we have to learn how to properly install a car seat! There is just so much!

And being an actor, you're a little aware of your body and how it does certain things. I've been trying to pay attention and it's just amazing! The things I can feel Aidan doing when he moves, it's almost like I can see it in my imagination. It's just the most incredible experience.

Overall, pregnancy has been a really tough experience for me. I'm use to being very active. Being able to get up and get done what I need to do. I've stuggled a lot in the limitations that I have had to put on myself (and the ones James has reminded me to put on myself). I've been sick and tired through most of this. We had a scare at the begining and we made it through. We were not expecting this so soon, but we both already knew that we wanted to be parents together! I've worried about what I've been eating, I've tried to ensure that I'm not a "crazy pregnant woman" and when I'm feeling weepy and emotional I've tried to communicate with James to the best of my abilities. I've read and sung to my belly and felt my son respond to the sound of my voice and felt him respond to the sound of daddy's voice.

What a blessing this has been. It's been wonderful to share this journey with friends and family and most of all James. We're preparing for the role of our lives.

Almost a month away.

Well right now, I'm finding it hard to type as I have the most beautiful man laying in bed next to me. I find it hard not to stare sometimes.
And even then, seeing him moves me to tears at times. I had just accepted and believed that I would never find someone to love, and who loves me so much. He is everything I have ever dreamed of and more. And I know that sounds really corny but it's just how it is!
^That picture right there is how I still feel when
| he kisses me! And this was the first picture we took as a couple! coming up on a year!
Wow, we could have our baby on our year anniversary! Crazy!
Anyway. I'm starting to get really excited and really nervous! And I think the baby can tell. I keep reading that he's going to not be moving as much because he's running out of room but he seems as active as ever! Plus he's kicking and punching a lot more. It's wonderful! It never looses it's wonder for me.
I guess when you've convinced yourself that you'll never have something, when you get it, you're blown away and you just cherish every little movement and hiccup. I'm just amazed by everything. Even when I feel really sick and I'm in pain and I can't move, I wouldn't want to be in any other condition.
And James is just being wonderful. There have been days that I've not been able to get out of bed and he is right here taking care of me. He comes and checks on me, he makes sure I'm eating and that I have everything I need. And I start to feel bad cause I'm use to taking care of myself and being able to handle whatever happens. This experience has really made me accept help which has not been an easy thing to do.
I really look forward to when I'm able to do things on my own again. Much as I love James, I'm not one that likes being pampered this much. I just remind myself it's for the baby and not so much me. Then I'm able to deal with it a little better.
Well, I feel like I'm going a little nuts in my writing now, so I'm going to stop!

Too early to be awake.

But when one can't sleep what can you do?
Aidan had the hiccups last night in addition to feeling restless. So he was just moving around constantly and this morning, my legs feel so cramped and painful that I don't know what to do. No position is comfortable.
And through all of this I still wouldn't want to be in any other condition.
I'm now in the process of trying to mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically prepare myself for having a baby. Which is quite a thing to prepare for let me tell you. I'm not just preparing myself for the way I want things to go, I'm trying to anticipate that things may not go the way I want and I need to prepare myself to do the best thing for me and Aidan.
I also have costume making coming up for Salem 1692. And I cannot wait! In California when I was on tour in the summer, I ended being the person to come to when you had a costume problem. I loved it! I had tried helping the costumer with some sewing and I had tried to get in touch with another costumer I knew to start learning how to sew and be a costume designer. Then I moved back to AZ and had no contacts here till recently.
So the prospect of learning how to sew is really exciting to me. And it's not even so much the sewing that has me worried as the not feeling overwhelmed by the pattern. Luckily I have two wonderful ladies willing to help me out so I need not be worried. My mom and Katie are awesome to help me with this! Plus it's time with my mommy which I won't have much of after baby comes.
And boy is it coming up quick! It doesn't seem that long ago that James and I had just found out that we were expecting to be become parents. And now, here we are almost a month away from him coming.
I mean wow! Everything I've ever wanted and needed and here it is! I am so blessed. Blessed to love and be loved by James and to be starting a family.

Baby Face.

This is my son's face. My baby that I feel moving around constantly. I'm so blown away. Seeing him, being able to sit and watch him as he moves around and feeling it at the same time was so amazing. I don't know how to describe it.

My whole life, I knew I wanted to be a mom. I was helping my mom with my younger siblings as soon as I could and as often as she would let me. I was babysitting at 12 and was so happy to become an Aunt for the first time when I was 15! And every time after that has been such a special thing for me, having another niece and then nephews!

I forgot that was what I wanted during my first marriage. I gave up thinking about all the things I had wanted for him, because what I wanted didn't fit what he wanted. Thank goodness I got over that!

Then about a year and a half ago, I started to get comfortable with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. I was so tired of being hurt, lied to and used. So I decided that if I got use to the idea, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I would be the crazy aunt that my nieces and nephews could count on to spoil them and love them no matter what.

It was hard, but I started to come to grips with it. I dated, but with the intention that I was only looking for that special someone and it worked out well. I didn't get hurt as often and I was happier than I had been in a long time.

Then James came along. And I knew I was in trouble from the moment he took hold of my hand while we were talking.

I knew I was going to fall in love with him. And I was scared that he wouldn't feel the same.

Lucky me, he did!

And now, I'm about 10 weeks away from actually seeing my baby. A baby I never thought or dreamed that I would have. And here it is.

I am so blessed and so thankful for James and the life that we are building together. It's a little unlike we anticipated. But I know that I have found the person I am going to spend the rest of my life and beyond with . And I know that he feels the same way. He shows me in every word and action. And I think that that is the most wonderful thing we could offer our baby. Two parents who love each other unconditionally.

I am so looking forward to 2010, and I know I am so lucky! Because I haven't always had this.