Thursday, January 28, 2010

Almost a month away.

Well right now, I'm finding it hard to type as I have the most beautiful man laying in bed next to me. I find it hard not to stare sometimes.
And even then, seeing him moves me to tears at times. I had just accepted and believed that I would never find someone to love, and who loves me so much. He is everything I have ever dreamed of and more. And I know that sounds really corny but it's just how it is!
^That picture right there is how I still feel when
| he kisses me! And this was the first picture we took as a couple! coming up on a year!
Wow, we could have our baby on our year anniversary! Crazy!
Anyway. I'm starting to get really excited and really nervous! And I think the baby can tell. I keep reading that he's going to not be moving as much because he's running out of room but he seems as active as ever! Plus he's kicking and punching a lot more. It's wonderful! It never looses it's wonder for me.
I guess when you've convinced yourself that you'll never have something, when you get it, you're blown away and you just cherish every little movement and hiccup. I'm just amazed by everything. Even when I feel really sick and I'm in pain and I can't move, I wouldn't want to be in any other condition.
And James is just being wonderful. There have been days that I've not been able to get out of bed and he is right here taking care of me. He comes and checks on me, he makes sure I'm eating and that I have everything I need. And I start to feel bad cause I'm use to taking care of myself and being able to handle whatever happens. This experience has really made me accept help which has not been an easy thing to do.
I really look forward to when I'm able to do things on my own again. Much as I love James, I'm not one that likes being pampered this much. I just remind myself it's for the baby and not so much me. Then I'm able to deal with it a little better.
Well, I feel like I'm going a little nuts in my writing now, so I'm going to stop!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Too early to be awake.

But when one can't sleep what can you do?
Aidan had the hiccups last night in addition to feeling restless. So he was just moving around constantly and this morning, my legs feel so cramped and painful that I don't know what to do. No position is comfortable.
And through all of this I still wouldn't want to be in any other condition.
I'm now in the process of trying to mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically prepare myself for having a baby. Which is quite a thing to prepare for let me tell you. I'm not just preparing myself for the way I want things to go, I'm trying to anticipate that things may not go the way I want and I need to prepare myself to do the best thing for me and Aidan.
I also have costume making coming up for Salem 1692. And I cannot wait! In California when I was on tour in the summer, I ended being the person to come to when you had a costume problem. I loved it! I had tried helping the costumer with some sewing and I had tried to get in touch with another costumer I knew to start learning how to sew and be a costume designer. Then I moved back to AZ and had no contacts here till recently.
So the prospect of learning how to sew is really exciting to me. And it's not even so much the sewing that has me worried as the not feeling overwhelmed by the pattern. Luckily I have two wonderful ladies willing to help me out so I need not be worried. My mom and Katie are awesome to help me with this! Plus it's time with my mommy which I won't have much of after baby comes.
And boy is it coming up quick! It doesn't seem that long ago that James and I had just found out that we were expecting to be become parents. And now, here we are almost a month away from him coming.
I mean wow! Everything I've ever wanted and needed and here it is! I am so blessed. Blessed to love and be loved by James and to be starting a family.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Baby Face.

This is my son's face. My baby that I feel moving around constantly. I'm so blown away. Seeing him, being able to sit and watch him as he moves around and feeling it at the same time was so amazing. I don't know how to describe it.
My whole life, I knew I wanted to be a mom. I was helping my mom with my younger siblings as soon as I could and as often as she would let me. I was babysitting at 12 and was so happy to become an Aunt for the first time when I was 15! And every time after that has been such a special thing for me, having another niece and then nephews!
I forgot that was what I wanted during my first marriage. I gave up thinking about all the things I had wanted for him, because what I wanted didn't fit what he wanted. Thank goodness I got over that!
Then about a year and a half ago, I started to get comfortable with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. I was so tired of being hurt, lied to and used. So I decided that if I got use to the idea, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. I would be the crazy aunt that my nieces and nephews could count on to spoil them and love them no matter what.
It was hard, but I started to come to grips with it. I dated, but with the intention that I was only looking for that special someone and it worked out well. I didn't get hurt as often and I was happier than I had been in a long time.
Then James came along. And I knew I was in trouble from the moment he took hold of my hand while we were talking.
I knew I was going to fall in love with him. And I was scared that he wouldn't feel the same.
Lucky me, he did!
And now, I'm about 10 weeks away from actually seeing my baby. A baby I never thought or dreamed that I would have. And here it is.
I am so blessed and so thankful for James and the life that we are building together. It's a little unlike we anticipated. But I know that I have found the person I am going to spend the rest of my life and beyond with . And I know that he feels the same way. He shows me in every word and action. And I think that that is the most wonderful thing we could offer our baby. Two parents who love each other unconditionally.
I am so looking forward to 2010, and I know I am so lucky! Because I haven't always had this.